The Relief and Terror of the Unspoken

[Seafeather]

Seastar

Seastar paced in her den. Back, forth, back, forth... Seastar was contemplating whether to tell the medicine cat, Smokeleaf, of Seastar's biggest secret. Something that will change two cats forever, for the time being. Seastar would tell the rest of the clan, eventually, but right now the best thing for them is to be kept in the dark.

Seastar also thought about asking Smokeleaf whether she should bear the clan with kits. There were none in the nursery, except the little Iv-FrostClan kit, and she wouldn't be able to keep the clan going alone! Seastar always wanted to be a mother but was called to be a leader instead. Maybe...at the end of her time, she could provide kits for her clan. Her last memory and sacrificial thing for her clan.

Still pacing Seastar called from the mouth of her den, "Smokeleaf! We have to talk." Anxiety built up in Seastar. Making her feel as if she couldn't tell Smokeleaf anything, not one soul. But she had to! Everything Seastar wanted to do was built upon this conversation. Everything.

[fαllεη •]

Smokeleaf was tired, and old, and cranky. A perfectly winning combination. But, as with any good medicine cat, she was willing to put this aside for her leader --young as she was, and as impulsive, Smokeleaf was watching her change under her very eyes, and her reactions were... Mixed. Part of her was worried that FrostClan's lack of retaliation would make Silentstar think they were weak --in spite of Seastar's oh-so-trusting envoy. Part of her was angry that Silentstar had turned tail after almost killing their warriors. She wanted him to get his tail back over here so that she could rip it off with her bare claws.

Duskwing was nursing the kit, so she wondered what exciting news her leader would have in store for her today. Oh, and while she was at it... She tightened her grip on the leaf in her jaws. Her leader's little stunts lately hadn't escaped the medicine cat's notice, and she was only too aware that she should have acted sooner in trying to help her leader get some sleep. If a cat was fainting from exhaustion, Smokeleaf prescribed rest: let Cedarwing pull his weight for once.

"Smokeleaf! We have to talk."
'Don't I know it?' the grey she-cat murmured -but, aided by the bundle in her teeth, managed to hold her tongue.
She entered the den silently (but for the creaking of old bones) and sat herself down in front of the entrance. This conversation might be of Seastar's making, but it wasn't going to be over until Smokeleaf had had her two cents.

(OOC: Yes, that's how the other thread is going to end; Smokeleaf is going to agree and Duskwing is gonna suckle the kitten.
For everyone's information, no this is not me getting back to posting on a regular basis. My last exam is on the first, and that is the day I'm getting back to Fallinggaze's post. Also, as no-one's grieving, I assume that this is set before Ashheart's death?)

[Seafeather]

Seastar

Smokeleaf walked into the den and sat very near to the entrance. Seastar waved her tail for her to come farther in and flicked her tail across her own mouth to show that she wanted this to be a quiet conversation. Seastar began the long talk.

"Things are going to be very different after this," She said. "Can you listen for a moment? Tell me what you hear." Seastar closed her eyes listening to her heart. It thudded against her chest, like a drum. But a drum that was off beat. After a few pulses her heart would falter into an irregular beat. Thump-thump, thump, thump, thump-thump-thump...

[fαllεη •]

It was warmer in the den than it was outside --not that that mattered much to the thick-furred she-cat. Seastar... wanted her to come in? Very well. But Smokeleaf would chase her if she could. Placing the herbs to the side and giving her leader a pointed look, the scent of chamomile slowly filled the den.

"Things are going to be very different after this," She said. "Can you listen for a moment? Tell me what you hear."
Smokeleaf, obedient, listened. And what she heard... With her aged ears, she had to lean in a little closer to try to listen. But all she could hear was the pounding of her own blood in her ears, and... Well, that was Seastar's heartbeat, wasn't it? And yet... She furrowed her brows, leaning a little closer (though taking care not to move too close) ad then it slowly dawned on her. It was like the nervous hopping of a green-leaf blackbird: you thought you had the rhythm and then suddenly it would stop, hop too fast, and then it was lost again. "Seastar..." she muttered. "How long has this...?"

[Seafeather]

Seastar

"Seastar...How long has this...?" Seastar cut her off before she could finish her question.
"I'm dying Smokeleaf." Seastar gave a small smile, hoping to comfort her medicine cat. "I have already lost two lives. Every few moons or so, it can't be detected, my heart will falter a few times and stop. You know the rest," Seastar didn't look her medicine cat in the eyes. She hoped she would understand.

"StarClan told me, the night I passed out at the Gathering a few moons ago, that this would happen. I didn't believe it until the next night, I lost my first life. I lost my second a quarter moon ago." Seastar spoke with quiet determination and fear. How could you live with the thought of death around the corner without fear being present?

"I won't tell the clan yet. Maybe in a few moons or so. They won't be able to handle it. Please don't tell anyone Smokeleaf!" Seastar begged. She knew that she wouldn't tell, but Seastar couldn't help but ask. "And I also have a question for you to ask Starclan." She whispered. Hope poured out from Seastar in waves.

"As my last act of leader, which hopefully won't be to soon, I would like for you to ask StarClan if I may birth a litter of kits for my clan?" Seastar waited for the question to sink into Smokeleaf. Maybe she would laugh? Or run away? Who knew with Smokeleaf, but which ever way she did answer, Seastar knew it would be with the utmost wizened guidance.

[fαllεη •]

"I'm dying Smokeleaf."
Her first reaction was to snort in derision, trying to cover her mounting fear. No, not possible. Seastar was young -in the prime of her life!- and that she was dying was a preposterous idea. The elderly medicine cat almost asked who put her up to it, this ridiculousness... But Seastar had to answer to no-one but herself and StarClan. And that heartbeat was not to be denied, skittish though it might appear.

"I have already lost two lives. Every few moons or so, it can't be detected, my heart will falter a few times and stop. You know the rest."

Smokeleaf's ears flattened rapidly. It couldn't be! She would have noticed her leader losing lives, surely? Seastar... Seastar must have been in an awful state. Not once had she come to Smokeleaf for herbs, for help. The elderly medicine cat hadn't noticed anything beyond her leader's general lethargy --and now this? Horror rapidly faded into anger; not anger at Seastar, but anger at StarClan.
"StarClan told me, the night I passed out at the Gathering a few moons ago, that this would happen. I didn't believe it until the next night, I lost my first life. I lost my second a quarter moon ago."
StarClan. Smokeleaf's eyes, wide and disbelieving, narrowed the slightest inch. The cats who she'd served faithfully for her entire life... They were responsible, they had to be. Seastar was so young, so vibrant! She had barely been a leader two moons, and Smokeleaf had seen her come to power after the previous leader had fallen. Snowstar had been proud to name her his deputy; FrostClan had been proud to have her then, and they still were now.
"Seastar..." she repeated, voice shredded. 'Shh... Stop it. The last thing you need is to be weak for her. She doesn't need that.' In her chest, for the briefest moment, the elderly medicine cat felt a familiar spark. She couldn't place a name to it at first, but it was familiar, and she welcomed it.

Seastar's face told her everything she needed to know: this was not a place or time for a medicine cat's tangible duties. The familiar suspicion lapped at the edges of her conciousness, the familiar patter occasionally invading her mind. Someone wanted her attention --but no-one deserved it more than Seastar did right now.
"I won't tell the clan yet. Maybe in a few moons or so. They won't be able to handle it. Please don't tell anyone Smokeleaf!"
Smokeleaf bit her lip with a yellowing fang. Mind you, who would she tell? Cedarwing should doubtless be told, but Smokleaf herself... She wasn't some inane gossip; Seastar knew that. She was a little grateful that Seastar trusted her with this, but regardless of trust, the medicine cat felt like it might be a bit much for her to handle, too. 'Never mind the clan!' she wanted to snap. 'We have to focus on getting you well! You are not joining StarClan under my watch.'

But, in spite of her acerbic reaction, Smokeleaf was bitterly aware of the straits that Seastar was in. She felt heavy with emotion and heavy with age: with pity, anger, horror... Mostly anger for StarClan, horror and anguish for Seastar. What had her leader done to deserve this outrage? (The tapping was getting louder. So loud she could barely hear herself think.)
"And I also have a question for you to ask Starclan."
A question? Smokeleaf suppressed a bitter mrr of laughter. How about 'why me?' 'Why now, when I have a life, a clan, a future here?' All those were questions Smokeleaf would want answered and she would have them. Somehow, she would fight StarClan tooth and nail against this, against this judgement that they had given her leader and, in so doing, given to her clan.
"What would you ask?" she asked, trying to cover the frustration that welled in her chest, putting out the spark.

"As my last act as leader, which hopefully won't be too soon, I would like for you to ask StarClan if I may birth a litter of kits for my clan?"
Last act... Smokeleaf didn't even bother to suppress her bitterness. Seastar didn't deserve this death. It was beneath her, beneath everything she stood for, and beneath the dirt that FrostClan stood on! And Seastar... Seastar wanted kits. Something in Smokeleaf's chest cracked. It rang of all the stories her elders had ever told her --in both clans. A leader's last wish, last act, last, last, last. But as far as last wishes went... Smokeleaf bowed her head. "I sincerely doubt that StarClan would deny you anything," came the reply. Then, softer: "I am still doubting that they would deny you this life."
The knocking on her head seemed to beat in time to Seastar's irregular heartbeat: the sound of thunder on the horizon, like the rattling of a kit, breathing through fluid-drenched lungs; like the beating of paws on flesh, an apprentice fighting a shadowy warrior against whom he could not win. 'But would fight anyway.'

[Seafeather]

Seastar

Hate. Anger. Suspicion. Fear. Anguish... All these emotions flickered across Smokeleaf's face as Seastar told her account. Seastar asked if she could have kits.

"I sincerely doubt that StarClan would deny you anything," She had said. "I am still doubting that they would deny you this life." Pain wove itself into Seastar's face. But not for herself. It was below Seastar to have pity on herself. It was pain for Smokeleaf. Seastar's best friend really. She didn't really know the she-cat very much before she became deputy. At the time she was just an acquaintance. But now, she was Seastar's best friend.

A fat tear rolled down Seastar's cheek. I'm leaving her...alone. Seastar hated herself for what she had to do. She had never hated before, but now she knows what it feels like. I'm not leaving! She screamed internally at herself. If Seastar would've opened her mouth at this time, a scream would've come out. Painful and bloodcurdling. Seastar longed for the times as a kit. Without the worry of the world on her shoulders. Free to do what she wished.

She longed for the times as an apprentice. Bugging the warriors to show her a battle move or two. Those moments with your mentor as you learned something new and immediately was good at it. The first rays of sunshine on the dawn patrol. The sparkle of frost on whiskers and the grass. More tears came, and so did images. Images of herself and her friends, her mentor, Snowstar, Smokeleaf, Duskwing, Iceglade, Cedarwing, Spottedwing, her best friend. So this is my life...and what have I done with it? Seastar saw no accomplishments in her life. None. Filled only with laughter and pain.

"I must do this last thing for FrostClan. I must give them the kits they need to survive." Smokeleaf was still in shock and dismay. Seastar must forget about herself and care for others, more than she ever had before.

"Don't worry Smokeleaf. I'm strong. You don't have to hold back anything." She gently laid her tail on her shoulders. One of the last gestures of kindness she could give.

[fαllεη •]

""
Seastar's pained expression immediately caused Smokeleaf to wipe her own: she didn't want to exacerbate Seastar's pain. And when that tear rolled down Seastar's cheek, she stood awkwardly, unable to do anything about the snail's trail that was sneaking down her face but wanting to comfort her, to somehow be able to make things better. Smokeleaf had never been good with emotions: she tried to keep hers bundled away, though there were often times that she failed. Anger was a part of her that most cats seemed to accept, even expect from her. It was a constant part of her now, boiling away. Fury that StarClan would allow this tempered with her cold, distant sympathy and sorrow at Seastar's inevitable departure. She wanted to try to say something funny, but nothing was funny under these circumstances. Smokeleaf was over seventy moons old and Seastar was at least half her age. Smokeleaf had expected to be walking in Seastar's dreams long before the she-cat joined those starry ranks... Now, the subtle promise of it being the other way around chilled her and fed the angry fire.

As more tears came, flowing freer now, Smokeleaf fought to keep up her mask of stillness. She found herself fighting the desire to step woodenly forward and, like an awkward apprentice, wipe her fluffy tail across Seastar's cheeks. But she didn't. She remained strong, trying to keep a stiff upper lip. Seastar could cry if she wished, but Smokeleaf preferred to be water-tight. Even in moments such as these... Especially in moments such as these. She couldn't stomach this, not the thumping in her head and the irregularity that was drumming against her eardrums, but she would fight it if only for Seastar's sake. She bit her tongue firmly; tasted blood. It was the grey to the white, brutal fire that licked her mind, to the icy black dread that clutched her heart.

"I must do this last thing for FrostClan. I must give them the kits they need to survive."
Again, it was all Smokeleaf could do to dip her head and keep her mouth shut, keeping all the blood-tainted words that she wanted heard inside.
"Don't worry Smokeleaf. I'm strong. You don't have to hold back anything."
A strange flicker passed across the medicine cat's face, but it was swiftly stifled. The she-cat before her was stronger than Smokeleaf had ever given her credit for, and the guilt was gnawing away. Seastar's life was a full one, a pool into which any cat in FrostClan could look for inspiration. Now, spending her last moons in giving the lives that FrostClan needed... Smokeleaf remembered Seastar's expression when Reedtail's kit had been brought to FrostClan. This was something that Seastar wanted to do, that would make Seastar happy and would bring life to the clan even after... She blocked out the word. "I know."
And then her medicine cat's mind kicked in. The herbs that she'd left were still uneaten, and Seastar wasn't sleeping. If her leader wanted to bear kits, she had to be healthy. This litter was her only chance; StarClan had granted her time, but that was all the selfish, fox-hearted rats would do: they would not give her the full life that FrostClan needed her to have. She couldn't bring herself to imagine what might happen to the kits if Seastar's heart stopped while she was pregnant --which pushed her onto another idea. Who did Seastar have in mind? A she-cat couldn't sprout kits from thin air, not even with StarClan's two-edged sword of a blessing. Seastar would choose wisely. She had to. But what if the tom she had in mind... What of him?

She ignored the idea; it was Seastar's decision. Smokeleaf would gladly run all day after the calico she-cat if she thought it would help -and it might; she'd have to make time for that- if only to lift the burden. Seastar might be strong, but that was no excuse for letting her carry this on her own. Smokeleaf would be there. And, as always, having a resolve helped the bitter cold of grief to dull.
"We're going to have to get you rested if you're going to bring life to this clan, then," the yellow-eyed cat meowed. Her decisiveness was beginning to emphasise itself around the corners of her words, blackening and burning their edges. Her face was cold, but her eyes... her eyes were empty but warm: the useless warmth of useless empathy. "For starters, you need sleep." The old phrase 'sleep when I'm dead' singed itself into her mind.
She nudged the small bundle of herbs towards her leader, refusing to let sorrow leak into her movements. The leaves slowly unfurled, giving up the ghost, and a puff of chamomile-scent lifted into the air: the only point of light in the new-found darkness.

[Seafeather]

Seastar

"We're going to have to get you rested if you're going to bring life to this clan, then," Smokeleaf and told Seastar. "For starters, you need sleep." Seastar watched as she scooted the bundle of herbs Seastar's way. Chamomile...smells wonderful but oh the taste! It was horrid! Seastar gave a hearty laugh and shook the tears from her eyes.

"Thank you Smokeleaf!" She yowled. Why keep your voice down when you only have moons to live? Why not do everything? "I knew you were going to make me sleep," she smiled. "That chamomile just flooded my den with it's scent!" Seastar bent her head down to eat the horrendous herbs. As soon as she ate them she began to feel sleepy. She curled up tight in her nest.

"I wonder who-" she yawned "the father could be..." She thought for a moment. "Have a look around for me Smokeleaf. The one you accept can be my mate." She then lay her head down and fell asleep. Her first real sleep in moons.

[Kat]

Cedarwing watched curiously as Seastar called Smokeleaf into her den. Cedarwing hadn't a clue what Seastar needed so desperately from Smokeleaf, but he didn't feel good about it. His claws dug into the ground, and he paced while he waited for Smokeleaf to emerge. There was no way that Cedarwing would barge in on the two, no one owned a title that gave them an excuse to interrupt others. He tried to not make the other warriors upset, this was a rough time for FrostClan and if the clan saw three of their leaders upset and anxious the feeling would multiply.
He considered doing something besides pacing to shake away the feeling, but he didn't feel like visiting the queens or elders. Oversee apprentices? No, too boring. While Cedarwing loved to train apprentices, he wasn't in the mood. He felt a burst of energy and pounced on a leaf, his claws quickly shredding it to bits. He hoped that no one had seen that, because at that same moment Smokeleaf had finally walked out of the den. He quickly hurried over to her.
"Smokeleaf, what is the matter?" Cedarwing asked anxiously. For a moment, he saw truth written across her face, which almost instantly turned into trepidation. Before she could say anything, Cedarwing interrupted. Don't lie to me, Smokeleaf."

[fαllεη •]

Smokeleaf wasn't prepared for the laughter that seemed to explode from Seastar's lips. Joviality was not the word to describe the extremes that were licking her dry.
"Thank you Smokeleaf!"
The she-cat flinched a little at the strength of Seastar's words. Thanks. Another word that didn't quite seem to fit the mood. StarClan's treachery was burning her up... But seeing Seastar happy, at least a little, was worth more than her misery. Life now seemed to be a balance, and walking along a cliff edge seemed to be how this would go. 'On one side StarClan's black heart, on the other a path that leads to the same route.' She had to force the thoughts out and managed one of her usual fanged smiles.

"I knew you were going to make me sleep. That chamomile just flooded my den with its scent!"
Smokeleaf's grin faded into a brittle smirk. The idea of 'making' Seastar do anything was nearly as amusing as the herb doing anything other than flooding. Chamomile was awfully hard to conceal --not that she'd bothered. She'd never liked the calming herbs herself -life was to be experienced, not occasionally checked up on and then abandoned- but she did appreciate their works. And what cat could use sleep more than one planning for a life without it?
That thought was begun with intended humor -Smokeleaf had seen the sleepless nights (had experienced them too) that a mother suffered with teething kits or ones who bit too hard)- unfortunately, it had ended with the wonder if StarClan slept. She hoped so: eternity would be awfully dull without dreams.

She watched with an eagle's eye as Seastar ate every last leaf, checking to make sure that all were gone and, like a kit, she hadn't pushed any under the carrying-leaves to avoid the taste. It was with a strange feeling knotted in her chest that she collected the remaining leaves and Seastar got into her nest, slowly drifting out of wakening and into dreams.

"I wonder who-" (Smokeleaf's smile deepened as she yawned) "the father could be..."
A slow chill ghosted across the elderly cat's face. She'd been wondering the same thing but moments ago. What tom -and she thought it but didn't have to like it- wanted to mate with a dying cat? Smokeleaf didn't pride herself on any degree of psychological skill, but it didn't take a genius to notice that the dying... Well, you didn't look to the dying for that.
"Have a look around for me, Smokeleaf. The one you accept can be my mate."
Smokeleaf's ears flattened rapidly; she tried to disguise the gesture as a simple flick, but her surprise was still etched onto her features. 'Calm, calm, drat it...' She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Matchmaking. For Seastar. Had she forgotten that medicine cats were forbidden to mate? Smokeleaf hadn't looked at a tom that way since she'd been Pebbleleaf's apprentice, had never known anyone to talk about the toms with... She'd trusted her own judgement. Seastar couldn't possibly need the help of an ancient old she-cat.

When she opened her eyes again, Seastar was sound asleep. A silent sigh of relief escaped her chest, a breath she hadn't remembered taking, and hopefully one of many more to come.
Picking up her herbs, Smokeleaf left the den... But not before recognising a distant, white flicker in the back of Seastar's den. 'Snowstar!' She almost dropped her leaves in surprise. The former leader was standing over Seastar, his expression unreadable... And sad.
"We gave you all the time we could... You are using it well." he whispered. A chill danced on Smokeleaf's spine. "You have our blessing."

With that, silence fell.

The moment passed, and Smokeleaf realised that she was staring at blank space. Just the dark back of a dark den, and Seastar's regular breathing causing ripples in the silence. A medicine cat was no longer needed here; Smokeleaf herself even less so.
She picked up her leaves again, keeping her thoughts blank as the darkness that awaited her outside of the den. She could use some sleep herself. And as the darkness claimed the grey shape, all that remained was the gentle thrum of a heartbeat, weaving rhythms into the sounds of breath and silence.

OOC: Um... Sorry, Kat D: Just kinda steamrolled over your post, didn't I? XDD
But I think the point of Sea and I locking this thread was so that it would be sorta private. If you don't mind Cedarwing's post happening tomorrow (IC time of course), in a new thread, then I'd be happy to continue this then? ^^; I think Sea wants this to be private for now, so Cedarwing is going to get brushed off anyways ^^.
((So we don't spam this thread if you want to discuss this, maybe making a thread in the OC board would be ideal? Or just a PM ^^;))

[Kat]

OOC: soooory D: I didn't realize you guys had locked the thread until after I had written it up. :\ thats fine!! hehe(: